The Bind.

"'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah,"

Oh Jason, what a lady killer. 
But seriously. This song is absolutely beautiful. Such a sweet, love song full of truth and flooding with an image of the fight in love. & as much as the next girl, I have fallen head over heels for this song and the way it sings to every girls desire to have a man fight for her and not abandon her in the darkness of this life. & As that part of my heart is deeply felt when I hear this song come on, today I heard it and it wasn't singing to me from my someday boy (whoever you are out there).  It was as if my heart was screaming inside me through this song, desiring with its entirety to hear this from those near me, those who consider me a friend, a sister, a mentor, a romance, a daughter, those I need dearly. 
A longing inside for this song to be my roommates letting me know they won't give up on us. For it to be my mother reminding me that God knows we're worth it. For it to be my Dad telling me he doesn't want to be someone who walks away so easily.  For a boy to be telling me no, he won't give up. & For friends to decide they're here to stay and make the differences we can make. 


This song put my biggest fear into current perspective. I am terrified of abandonment. I have endured abandonment of all shapes & sizes. Abandonment by circumstances, by death, by differences in opinion, and by choice, & I have come to decide that none are easy, at least for me. Right now I am in a season of my own darkness of being bound my this fear. It rules my heart and dictates my thoughts, allowing me to believe a ton of lies about who I am & who I am growing to be. Lies that tell me I am never going to be good enough. Lies that tell me I am always going to do something that pushes away those in my life. Lies that demand loneliness. Lies that tell me I am the only reason for the abandonment I have experienced. 
This song sings so deeply into myself because it sings the things I long for the most; a loyalty & fight for my worth. 
& Yet daily I am trying to conquer these lies when they have already been conquered for me. 
All I have to do is believe that. 
Believe in truth. 
Truths that worth, and beauty, 
and strength are at my core. 
Truths that speak of how much beauty and worth 
is in pain and struggle. 
Truths that speak against lies of ugliness and of failure. 
I need these truths right now. 


Today I choose to believe.
Because,  I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am.
& I won't give up.


Be free.
Choose truth.
Love beyond reason.


This is what I want today.




Danielle Nicole.

Discipline Shmiscipline.

Today I did the most incredibly anti-danidavis thing ever I think. I post-poned going to the Happiest Place on Earth to meet my cousins for the Leap Year Day event, to take a nap, but even more.... to run. I know I know, not a Dani Davis qualifying action, but yes, this did just happen. I actually just got done with my run now & well, it feels good, but not because my body loves running (yet), or because this particular run felt good or easy, because it didn't. No, it was hard & I got bored & tired: fact.
But it feels good right now to say to myself that I made a commitment & I am going to remain bound to that. I mean, that's what it means to commit right? To stick with something even in the trials and rough, thick parts of life, or in my case right now through sore hips and tiresome, hard-to-begin runs around my neighborhood. It is more than an accomplishment to commit to anything, especially to those things you don't love all the time but which also evolve you into a better version of yourself. I think if we could all  follow through on more of the things we commit to in our lives we could easily watch ourselves stride towards a higher potential.

 So here I sit, ready to nap, ice on my hips, water within arms reach to cheers to the day when I can say I held out, or held on to this commitment, to the day when I will be glad I chose running over longer naps and longer disneyland days,  and to the day when I walk across a hard finish line & know that discipline is freeing, cheers.


Danielle Nicole.

Cue in Alanis Morrisette.

Irony is a hilarious concept.

It seriously never fails that once you put your foot down & decide on something for your life, the opposites of what you are deciding tend to start creeping in, or working against all odds. & I feel like this is especially true during the season of lent. Just when you decide you are going to give up Facebook for Lent, some insane deal that you can only get by liking a company's Facebook page occurs, or you give up chocolate & you happen to win a months supply of free See's, or you give up men & the one you wonder about decides he wants to let you in. The irony. 

But this irony is one that holds power. The power of testing us and our ability to choose what we want in the immediate, or what we want in the long run. A test of impulse vs. discipline, because the things we wanted at a moment would come to our fingertips when we decide to take a step back & withdraw from them, go figure. These moments of irony bring us to a cross road of choosing what we think is best, choosing what is important to us. Choosing if we just want immediacy, or if we want to wait the good wait if it brings better for us.

What is important to me are the people in my life.  The people who fill my thoughts and my heart, the ones who walk with me, who live lives parallel, but also perpendicular to my own. Ones who live next to me daily, but also those who live across the country, or even the globe. People who have stories and life to them that make my own story so much more valuable and intimate. I want these people to be happy, to be filled, to be cared for and for them to know it. In this desire for those in my life, I want to be someone who is synonymous to this, who adds joy and who brings care to their lives. In order for me to do this I am learning I must also take care of myself. If I'm honest, I wish I could take care of others & I would follow in place with magic care taken of myself. But if I'm real, that's not how it works.

No, in order for me to bring joy and care to those in my life, I must take a step back and look at how to best care for them. And that's what I did this year when this Lent season came. I don't choose to fast or add something every year, but this year a desire to be physically healthy with an calm, open heart weighed in my mind as a way to extend my ability to care for those in my life. My response to this was a motivation to follow through on this desire that has stirred inside me for quite some time now. I have a heart that has experienced a wealth of trauma, loss, and pain, but that same heart has a tremendous amount of resilience, or fight, for why it beats; for those dear to me. So really, I think I owe it to the strength of my heart and the way it continues to surprise me with strength and more fight than I could have ever imagined myself to have 5 years ago, to really motivate myself in physical health, as well as guarding my heart to allow for a peace and openness to replace the fears and the flight. Even if in the middle of this decision, my body begs me to sleep instead of run, and my insecurities beg me to seek momentary attention from men instead of waiting it out and remembering my worth. I owe it to my resilient heart and my desire to ultimately be someone who brings deep care and joy to those in my life, to exercise and run in this season and to wait the good wait, seeking respect and a reminder of worth for myself.

I think I may even owe all the past pain, & future pain while I'm at it, a thank you down the road, for teaching my heart how to fight, how to not lose hope, and how to love so deeply. 

They say the best things are worth fighting for, right? 

Isn't it ironic, don'tcha think?

Danielle Nicole.

A Manfast & Running.

Lent 2012.
A Manfast & Running.
Two things that make me feel defeated & unworthy.

At this moment in my life I desire deep to the core of me to be respected, and in my realization of this, I have come to terms with the fact that I am also in need of respecting myself, especially my health. I have a habit of being distracted by busyness, and life ramblings, and even, in unflattering moments, distracted by what people think about myself, so distracted that I forget to take care of me. I want to respect myself & my blessing of health by pushing myself to run.

Running, as many of you know, is often referred to by myself as my arch nemesis. We do not get along, period.  However, amidst the battle of aches, pains, and longing for a pool of water either to drink or to slip into in escape, I have this deep secret desire to run. This desire lies when I am not in the act of running, the moments when I find myself urged to sign up for a half marathon, a desire to one day say I have ran one. And in response to that desire within, and a respect for my body, and my health, these next 40 days I want to implement a routine of exercise, and specifically running.

The fast I have chosen for myself for this years lent tradition, is well, let's just get it out there on the world wide web table: men. [synonyms: boys, dudes, guys, bros, male, just in case you needed clarification] Now men out there, this is not a dig on you, or a heart-broken girl vent session. No, this is simply me realizing I deserve more respect from many men in my life, as well as desire complete utter respect from any guy in my future who comes to desire a future with me by his side. I have definitely become guilty of allowing myself to think & feel that I am unworthy of love & respect, as a result of believing lies and disrespect shown towards me through many men I encounter, even at times without their knowledge of doing so. In response to this part of my life, I don't want to hate, or to slam boys. I just want to guard my heart a little better, in order to remind myself of a worth I should feel for myself.

Dear the next 40 days,

In you I will seek achievement, discipline, and freedom. From you I expect and seek challenge, truth, and joy. I think we can really impact each other 40 days, let's get real with one another. Ready set go, Day one is already conquered. Now for round two. 

See you then,

Danielle Nicole.

2012.

Dear 2012,

You are quite something do you know that? You have such an energy about you that surges with excitement, potential, and hope. The limitlessness of your possibilities, your dreams, your sunrises and sunsets. The potential of such good, such growth, such joy to become of you is something that is longed for, especially in these last weeks of a year. 2012, you look at me now with faint images of possibility: Dear friends visiting, A 24th year to be celebrated, A time capsule to be opened in July, a possible trip to Africa finances willing, Students graduating high school, a credential program to be admitted into, new things to be experienced, to be learned, and to ultimately, be loved.


In the spirit of the age-old new year tradition of resolution and urge to better one's lifestyle at the turn of a year, some things I want for myself right now are that,

I want to be aware of the way I affect those around me
I want to read at least 20 books
I want to curse less (oops, complete honest confession)
I want to train for a half marathon, ah, big step for me. haha
I want to be ever more true, honest, and genuine.
I want to add to this list all year because, while starting a new year is exctiting and there's no denying it, it is not the only time I want to be better, or to grow, or to try something new. I want to be in constant resolution of my life towards its greater potential, ever-changing, & ever-delighting.


Danielle Nicole.

Rites of Passage.

On a twitter note still, a great friend of mine tweeted some great words this week to his world of followers. He wrote, 


"It should be a right of passage for boys to continuously study Song of Solomon in order to become Men. #RealTalk" 


Now first off, what I love most about this is simply that it is the thought of a guy. Not another of the too-many-too-count mentions from the unsatisfied woman, which I know I can count myself as being in the category of women who are guilty of posting something about the lack of men & surplus of boys in our lives before. Guilty as charged. But that's what makes this post that much more intriguing to me. This comment of critique towards boys of our society is not formed as a nag or a gripe, but instead as an encouragement, or a challenge; a man-challenge, if you will. (I also think you should know I completely said this out loud as I thought & typed it, with extra man-voice emphasis on the "man-challenge" part, just to get the mental picture of my brain process with this) 


This man-challenge, wherever it may have spurred from inside my friend's mind and heart lead to the Bible, specifically, Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs in some translations) This is a book entirely focused on love & relationship. A play-by-play of courtship to marriage, if I may summarize. Now there are many different interpretations of the symbolization of the lyrics, whether is it referring to Woman loving Man, God loving Israel, or God loving humankind. All of which are, awesome to think about, but do not add or take away from the great picture of love that is painted in the words of this book. This book is about a pursuit, a respect, and a cherished desire for another. In these words we see that women were created, & long, to be pursued. And also it is pictured that men have in turn a desire to lead and to pursue, and to be respected. This is what love was created to be; something beautiful, something full of respect, and something ultimately desired and pursued. 


In conclusion of my thoughts on this delectable food for thought this week, is that it should also be a rite of passage for girls to continuously read & learn from Song of Solomon to become Women, who are classy, respectable, and modest, allowing Men to lead & pursue them. 


#Thinkaboutit




Danielle Nicole.

Tweet Tweet #Tweeting.

"I really value honesty, a good book, & laughter. #FactsAboutMe"

Oh Twitter, what would we do without good trending hashtags to guide our hourly updates? Obviously we wouldn't survive, at least without good momentary thoughts, & even some very giggle-worthy trending topics, always up to date by the minute of new happening events. I'm pretty sure it only took something like 72 seconds for #Thingslongerthankimkardashianswedding to surface as a trending topic, oh wait 72 was a number for something else.... uhhh... too soon? haha okay but with all seriousness, when in doubt or in a dull moment there is always the helpful trending suggestion such as this one from a few days ago: #FactsAboutMe.

Although I usually glance at the trending topics, maybe have a good chuckle over some, my typical response is to disregard them & go about my day. But this one made me think. With only 140 characters, what kinds of things do you say about yourself? Something funny? The most interesting fact? Something that does not require explanation? As simple as the tag sounded, 140 character facts about me can get a little tricky. I settled upon a tweet of the first 3 words that came to my mind when I said, "Okay Dani who are you?" Honesty. Books. Laughing. Those three things are what I want forever&ever&everamen.

To the very core of who I am I value honesty. I want people in my life who choose to be honest with me. Especially when choosing honesty is much harder than an alternate option. That is when I feel the most loved & the most valued by another. Through my own learning process I have truly learned the value & respect you give to someone when you choose the harder route of pure honesty. Telling a friend the things they don't want to hear, but that are honest shows the character and depth of friendship. Anyone can tell you what you want to hear, or can say nice things to make you smile, but someone who really truly, deeply cares about who you are will tell you the things that make you cry, or make you angry, but in return teach you about yourself, and your walk in life. These kind of friends make you better, & it is the hard parts of life that grow us into more profound, considerate, and elegant people.

Now beyond honesty, you may as well see me as a nerdy comedy. Beyond honesty I just need a good book and laughter. I want to read what other's have to say. What they think, feel, see of this world. Reading someone's writing, even fiction is getting a peak into their soul, their character, their childhood mind even. So much can be seen of author's in their writing & I want to soak that all up. & after I have soaked up words upon words upon words, my next wish is to just laugh. Just to sit with friends or family, or coworkers, and laugh. Simply own up to joy & to silliness, and to how good life can really get, by just letting it out, out loud.  My cousin, E, & I are on this new kick of the.... drum roll please.... Heytell Voicechanger. (what? you thought it was going to be something profound? Download it, I swear it will change your life.) She & I could, and sometimes do, spend hours talking back & forth in little blurbs sounding like chipmunks, or Yezma from The Emperor's New Groove, when she's a cat. The best part is that every other message is just completely a squeeky, silly, chipmunk-y laughter exploding from the speakerphone, which in turn calls for another episode of laughing at the silliness of the chipmunk laughter.  So silly, yet so necessary. This is what my ultimate world looks & feels like; honest, thoughtfilled, and hilarious.


& to think, allllllll because of a Twitter trend, #thankGodfortwitter.

Amen.




Danielle Nicole.