Proud Roots.

AHhhHhhhHHhhhhhh GIANNNNTS!!!! AHHHHhhHHHHH FEAR THE BEARD!!! AHHHHHHH LET TIMMY SMOKE!!! AHHHHHHHH


....... I know, I know. For all of you who are not from Northern California, this is allll getting a little old, a little annoying, & a little crazy. However, it is a pretty historic event that has taken place, & well I can't lie about the pride glowing from anyone around here who does or has called the bay area home at somepoint, & we just can't help it, it's natural :) But I think my pride and joy in this event is more for my grandfather than anything else. Although he passed last August, I know without a doubt he had box seats in heaven for those series games & I'm sure he's up there rioting at the  SF parade right now, it's only fitting of his character. For the man who I have never ever known to miss a single Giants game, for any reason, this victory is perfect, I only wish he was physically here still so I could enjoy it next to him. But, because I knew him well, & have a firm standing belief that Heaven is full of a person's favorite things, I know he's celebrating hard with JC himself.

So congratulations Giants, & Grandpa, be proud up there, while I'm proud down here for you.


Danielle Nicole.

Hearing God.

What does it sound like when God speaks?
What does it feel like when God leads?

These are the two questions that are daily filling my brain during this season of my life.
This season, I am learning alot. Learning to trust, & not to live controlled by fear. Fear of my past & fear of the future together. I am learning to listen and live, which is risky, but good. 
Today is a great day off, I am finally feeling better & I am hoping this will lead to full health after a month of being off & on sick. Today is a day to rest, a day to read, a day to think. I like those days, even when combatting a cold. Today I want to rest in my thoughts on God's voice. I want to rest in the quiet of this apartment and listen for it. Solitude can be a scary thing for me. I like people, I like conversation, I like being busy. But I know that solitude is something that is teaching me something new during this season & God is giving me lots of it these days. There are tons of questions I don't have answered, like where I will be this summer, or next year, or will I have a job this summer, or next year? But I think what God is saying to me right now regard Today. Not tomorrow. Before tomorrow can come, today must be lived & overcome. So in that, Today, you are good, & you have given me hope in a future opportunity, & you are reminding me about things I am good at. So Today, thank you.


Danielle Nicole.

Letter to Autumn.

Autumn.
You & I, we used to be bittersweet.
I used to think you were a bully.
I used to get angry because you always invite your cold friend Winter over a little while after your arrival. And you would always scare my friend Summer away.

But today I decided to forgive you, because today I was so excited to see you and you smelled great. & After soaking you in for the day, our apartment makes my heart leap. Pumpkin spice, Orange leaves, and pumpkin trails over our counter. What a lovely way to invite me into your presence, in which I am accepting gladly. I think we will be great friends for a long time, and even when you invite cold Winter over, I will remember the smell of pumpkin bread and candy corn & the way you make our living room look warm and friendly & will look forward to the day that you'll come back again.  But until then, let's be friends and cozy up.

See you tomorrow,


Danielle Nicole.

Grace & Dignity.

I used to think grace & dignity did not exist together.

That they existed against each other.

But I am learning that they can exist together and because of one another, even.


I am learning that I love practicing grace when people apologize, or there is some redemption or act of kindness towards me in return.

But when there is no realization of wrong or pain caused by someone to myself, practicing grace is not something I can bring myself to. I can practice anger, or sadness, or feeling like the world is not right or going to be right until this person admits their wrong. However, in my desire for vindication, I am missing the entire core of grace. Because grace is receiving something we do not deserve. And practicing giving grace is practicing giving something without someone deserving it.  Vindication is not a part of grace. And more so, vindication is not a requirement for dignity, I believe.


What if we could find it in ourselves to find our dignity in our ability to practice grace, real grace, the kind of grace that is given to the hard people in our lives, the ones who have truly broken us? I think this would be the closest to reflecting true Christianity & this act would make a place for grace & dignity to live together, side by side, dependent on the other. This is what I want to strive for, but oh how easier said than done this kind of a matter is.

Well, for now I'm striving.

Danielle Nicole.

Meeting Influence.

Today was a glorious day.
I can shamelessly say I still adore Shauna Niequist, but this time around however, I have officially met her and my opinion stands firm: She is fabulous.

To describe today I would have to say in a nutshell, today was a holy and precious day, full of precious moments.  1st the chance to finally meet the woman behind the pages that have literally changed my life and added so much truth and love along with a handful of words to pull me through pain in the last few years of my life.  Then the chance to experience this gift with my girls, Kaylyn, Megan, & Chellie, who have also been such a deep and intimate part of the last couple years of my life. As we have lived life together side by side, reading Cold Tangerines & then Bittersweet and loving each other out loud in such tangible and intentional actions my heart has become intertwined to the point of no return, you girls have such a huge part of me & make me laugh, cry, and experience such joy and pride in the beautiful women you are and are becoming. & Also the chance to gather together with a group of women who all share some sort of interest or inspiration from the lovely Shauna Niequist was truly a gift & a pleasure.

Something about reading a book that changes your life, with 3 other girls, that really grabs a deeper part of you.  A part of you that you might not even know existed or needed to be grabbed, loved, and challenged in any certain way.  That part of you is a part of the heart that the God of this universe molded in His hands and intended to be loved and stretched and encouraged. Just as a girl, in the group gathered for a meal shared with Shauna, said, "[your book] was an answer to prayer I didn't even know I prayed." That statement is the absolute best and most truthful thing I have heard about Shauna's book(s) and I would not disagree with it in the slightest.  That's the thing about reading Cold Tangerines, and Bittersweet with my girls. It has been an absolute answer to prayer that I didn't even know I prayed. I could never have foreseen myself in the place I am today and could not see myself having gotten here without them or those books alongside me. I love the ways God continues to show me His faithfulness and goodness through those He hand picks to walk with me, even through words on a page.


Danielle Nicole.

Retro[spect] is the new black.

"Perspective will come in retrospect." 

- Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

In my rough seasons I scrounge and cling to anything I have control of.

Including the desire to know & understand why things happen the way they do.

But when has God ever been unfaithful to me?

When has he ever showed me that He doesn't always work things out.

When has He proved to me He is not always in control?

Never.

When I decide to feel my pain and hope to find healing in little bits

I get mixed up with my emotions and mistake feeling for figuring out my situation and being in control again,

because that's really what alot of our pain turns out to be right?

Our lack of control.

Control is comfortable.

I have been out of control of most of the things in my life for over a year now.

Today I am still out of control.

But this morning I am going to choose to be okay with it.

Because it's a choice, which is my control ;)

ironic? no, God. 

 & for now, I'll wait for retrospect to sooth my soul.

Danielle Nicole

Influence.

"& now I can feel things turning, slowly. I can feel this tiny, fragile writer person getting bigger, and like a candle flame growing. Tonight is a writing night, & I feel giddy, antsy, bold in a new way. I feel like I have a secret: I am becoming something else. On the outside, I look like a person who has a desk and meetings, but underneath, I'm a writer. I'm a writer. I keep saying it to myself, and it feels risky & furtive." --Shauna Neiquist, Cold Tangerines.

Confession: I love this woman, without technically ever meeting her.
(Now, that's not to sound like the next creep on the street, haha, let me justify myself, if i may for just a second)


I love the way she writes, & now after reading her second book, Bittersweet (which I absolutely recommend to anyone, shamelessly) it is now really fun to go back and read her first, Cold Tangerines.  To read a story like "Visions & Secrets" in Cold Tangerines, hearing her speak of how writing is awkward, and yet rebellious and something that brings her energy, but trouble as well, a sweet trouble, then to read through Bittersweet and hear her same voice on the pages, but to see a writer. She's a writer. & She told it to herself over and over and I'm sure it's been risky as well as furtive. I love that. Shauna is such a woman of what I like to call fierce truth, but with a gentleness and raw love that makes you sometimes cry, but other times belly laugh either because you can totally picture it or because you can completely see yourself in it.  I lead my small group of girls at APU through Cold Tangerines in the Spring of 09 and our group has never been the same since. We dipped into a new level of group, a new level of girl, of friendship, of ourselves. Shauna's writing changed us and continues to change us as we begin to go through Bittersweet (again), this time together. I owe her a large credit to my success as a small group leader I think, and some credit to my decision to start writing and choose to love life, through blessing, and hardship.

Thanks Shauna.

Danielle Nicole