Letter to Autumn.

Autumn.
You & I, we used to be bittersweet.
I used to think you were a bully.
I used to get angry because you always invite your cold friend Winter over a little while after your arrival. And you would always scare my friend Summer away.

But today I decided to forgive you, because today I was so excited to see you and you smelled great. & After soaking you in for the day, our apartment makes my heart leap. Pumpkin spice, Orange leaves, and pumpkin trails over our counter. What a lovely way to invite me into your presence, in which I am accepting gladly. I think we will be great friends for a long time, and even when you invite cold Winter over, I will remember the smell of pumpkin bread and candy corn & the way you make our living room look warm and friendly & will look forward to the day that you'll come back again.  But until then, let's be friends and cozy up.

See you tomorrow,


Danielle Nicole.

Grace & Dignity.

I used to think grace & dignity did not exist together.

That they existed against each other.

But I am learning that they can exist together and because of one another, even.


I am learning that I love practicing grace when people apologize, or there is some redemption or act of kindness towards me in return.

But when there is no realization of wrong or pain caused by someone to myself, practicing grace is not something I can bring myself to. I can practice anger, or sadness, or feeling like the world is not right or going to be right until this person admits their wrong. However, in my desire for vindication, I am missing the entire core of grace. Because grace is receiving something we do not deserve. And practicing giving grace is practicing giving something without someone deserving it.  Vindication is not a part of grace. And more so, vindication is not a requirement for dignity, I believe.


What if we could find it in ourselves to find our dignity in our ability to practice grace, real grace, the kind of grace that is given to the hard people in our lives, the ones who have truly broken us? I think this would be the closest to reflecting true Christianity & this act would make a place for grace & dignity to live together, side by side, dependent on the other. This is what I want to strive for, but oh how easier said than done this kind of a matter is.

Well, for now I'm striving.

Danielle Nicole.

Meeting Influence.

Today was a glorious day.
I can shamelessly say I still adore Shauna Niequist, but this time around however, I have officially met her and my opinion stands firm: She is fabulous.

To describe today I would have to say in a nutshell, today was a holy and precious day, full of precious moments.  1st the chance to finally meet the woman behind the pages that have literally changed my life and added so much truth and love along with a handful of words to pull me through pain in the last few years of my life.  Then the chance to experience this gift with my girls, Kaylyn, Megan, & Chellie, who have also been such a deep and intimate part of the last couple years of my life. As we have lived life together side by side, reading Cold Tangerines & then Bittersweet and loving each other out loud in such tangible and intentional actions my heart has become intertwined to the point of no return, you girls have such a huge part of me & make me laugh, cry, and experience such joy and pride in the beautiful women you are and are becoming. & Also the chance to gather together with a group of women who all share some sort of interest or inspiration from the lovely Shauna Niequist was truly a gift & a pleasure.

Something about reading a book that changes your life, with 3 other girls, that really grabs a deeper part of you.  A part of you that you might not even know existed or needed to be grabbed, loved, and challenged in any certain way.  That part of you is a part of the heart that the God of this universe molded in His hands and intended to be loved and stretched and encouraged. Just as a girl, in the group gathered for a meal shared with Shauna, said, "[your book] was an answer to prayer I didn't even know I prayed." That statement is the absolute best and most truthful thing I have heard about Shauna's book(s) and I would not disagree with it in the slightest.  That's the thing about reading Cold Tangerines, and Bittersweet with my girls. It has been an absolute answer to prayer that I didn't even know I prayed. I could never have foreseen myself in the place I am today and could not see myself having gotten here without them or those books alongside me. I love the ways God continues to show me His faithfulness and goodness through those He hand picks to walk with me, even through words on a page.


Danielle Nicole.

Retro[spect] is the new black.

"Perspective will come in retrospect." 

- Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

In my rough seasons I scrounge and cling to anything I have control of.

Including the desire to know & understand why things happen the way they do.

But when has God ever been unfaithful to me?

When has he ever showed me that He doesn't always work things out.

When has He proved to me He is not always in control?

Never.

When I decide to feel my pain and hope to find healing in little bits

I get mixed up with my emotions and mistake feeling for figuring out my situation and being in control again,

because that's really what alot of our pain turns out to be right?

Our lack of control.

Control is comfortable.

I have been out of control of most of the things in my life for over a year now.

Today I am still out of control.

But this morning I am going to choose to be okay with it.

Because it's a choice, which is my control ;)

ironic? no, God. 

 & for now, I'll wait for retrospect to sooth my soul.

Danielle Nicole

Influence.

"& now I can feel things turning, slowly. I can feel this tiny, fragile writer person getting bigger, and like a candle flame growing. Tonight is a writing night, & I feel giddy, antsy, bold in a new way. I feel like I have a secret: I am becoming something else. On the outside, I look like a person who has a desk and meetings, but underneath, I'm a writer. I'm a writer. I keep saying it to myself, and it feels risky & furtive." --Shauna Neiquist, Cold Tangerines.

Confession: I love this woman, without technically ever meeting her.
(Now, that's not to sound like the next creep on the street, haha, let me justify myself, if i may for just a second)


I love the way she writes, & now after reading her second book, Bittersweet (which I absolutely recommend to anyone, shamelessly) it is now really fun to go back and read her first, Cold Tangerines.  To read a story like "Visions & Secrets" in Cold Tangerines, hearing her speak of how writing is awkward, and yet rebellious and something that brings her energy, but trouble as well, a sweet trouble, then to read through Bittersweet and hear her same voice on the pages, but to see a writer. She's a writer. & She told it to herself over and over and I'm sure it's been risky as well as furtive. I love that. Shauna is such a woman of what I like to call fierce truth, but with a gentleness and raw love that makes you sometimes cry, but other times belly laugh either because you can totally picture it or because you can completely see yourself in it.  I lead my small group of girls at APU through Cold Tangerines in the Spring of 09 and our group has never been the same since. We dipped into a new level of group, a new level of girl, of friendship, of ourselves. Shauna's writing changed us and continues to change us as we begin to go through Bittersweet (again), this time together. I owe her a large credit to my success as a small group leader I think, and some credit to my decision to start writing and choose to love life, through blessing, and hardship.

Thanks Shauna.

Danielle Nicole

Amazing Women.

I live with the most amazing women, I have decided.

4 months ago I remember worrying daily & hourly about finding enough people to live with, 

and affording rent in life after APU, and hoping,

desperately, that the roommates we desperately needed would be from APU, or at least someone we knew of. 

1 month ago, two more roommates moved in, 

completing our 4 for the summer. 

All of us recent APU Alumni, and thoroughly in love with the Lord.

What a powerful, knowing, and loving God I serve. 

I can see God looking at the 4-month ago Dani, releasing a chuckle and a calm glance that says, "Dani, you have no idea what kind of things I have in store for you. Stop worrying and know that I am God and I have the perfect plan for your life." And as the last 4 months have gone by I think of God kind of giving me an "I told you so" of a face as I recognize the incredible care and work He is doing in my life, especially in my living situation.  

I am living with 3 amazing daughters of the Lord 

who continue to bless me every day I spend with them, 

which unfortunately hasn't been very many with my crazy summer, 

nonetheless, they are honestly fabulous.  Today was a life-story sharing day with 3 of us, followed by the evening service at Rock Harbs, Fullerton campus.  

To hear the things that have shaped them and how we all got to where we are today was such a gift, not to mention, hearing that while  eating ice cream and waffles and laughing and just doing life together. 

That is what I absolutely love about this life.

The energy that just living with other people around me gives.

To be able to know people and know what has shaped them and how they have come into my life and how God is using us to shape eachother.

& then to end a day, 

with roommates who pray a fierce truth 

and genuine love as you are about to embark on another journey.

I am blessed.

Danielle Nicole.

E.Straub.

"So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it." -E.Straub

 I love when things hit me over the head.

I definitely need them to, I guess you could call me a stubborn girl.

The thing is, I go through spurts and phases of things.

One week I am writing and soaking in life and thinking and inviting life to transform me and open my eyes and change my perspective but also savor my current one,

& the next I catch myself freaking out, not letting people or person in, closing down my heart, remembering heartbreak and letting it get the best of me, remembering painful life and not inviting new experiences and adventures in hopes that my closing off will protect me from the unknown, known as the future. 

& then, of course, that's when I get hit over the head with fierce truth.

I love fierce truth.

I just told someone today actually how I love me some fierce truth.

The way a quote, or a verse, or a good friend can just speak it into your soul.

This week I caught myself being the hiding Dani, the bashful one before the world. 

But today this quote happened to catch me and remind me that life is about the learning, which definitely comes from the pain and the discomfort of vulnerability and the "edgy-ness" of what the future holds by event, person, and melody. 

What a reminder that pain and value rest at quite the equivalents, 

and that God is more in control than I keep imagining.

Amen to inviting life back in.

Danielle Nicole.